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Writers. Authors. Bloggers. Speakers. Leaders.
And then it's for people like me. One who doesn't know which end is up, much less have a clue what I am or what I want.....but is merely excited about meeting a favorite famous author!
Throughout the weekend, and normally as we sat down for meals, I kept getting asked "Are you in the Speaker or Writer tract?" Ha! Seriously, it got to be a bit comical after I told the 100th chick that "Girl, I ain't got a clue! I'm just here." Sweetly, some women would say they didn't really know either why they were there and some would just sweetly nod. And girls, I am a Christian, so I won't pretend to know what they were thinking about me!
And then of course there are the Ones. Oh they know. You know the Ones.
"I am a writer. I have a blog with 1.2 million readers and I'm published. Like for real published. And I've got my stuff to-gether honey!"
Ok, so maybe I added a bit to that but still. Still they know! And I'm a wee bit jealous of that knowing.
So here I am...no clue what tract I signed up for. All I know is that I signed up and I'm a fan of "The Best Yes", my long-time-no-see frand is in town, and it's going to be an amazing weekend. Hooray!
I am not lying when I say that when I walked into those doors, I wasn't prepared for the revelation that God would do to my heart. I am a Christian. I love Jesus. I love His girls. I love to read Jesus books. I love to write blog posts. I love to talk. And I love really good food. She Speaks was about all of that and so much more. But oddly enough, what God revealed to me wasn't even about me at all.
I went in wanting answers.
I needed confirmation.
I yearned for clarity.
I. I. I.
Me. Me. Me.
It's freaky to the point that I'm beginning to think these ladies sat down months ago during their planning stages and said "Y'all, now God spoke to me last night, and He said there's this girl and she's going through some junk and she's going to need us to wave a big flashing bright sign in her face and her name is going to be Amanda. And she's going to be in X Y & Z sessions. Now you go. Go step right on her little manicured toes."
Worship started and the room swelled. You could feel the Spirit of Christ. Hands raised and hearts open.
The waterworks started and like a broken spigot, I couldn't turn it off. It would've been embarrassing but I am certain not a single soul cared about me or the snot running down my lip. Every person was embraced fully by the arms of Jesus and the world went so dim. Nothing else mattered. Reality had ended. Me ended.
It is incredible, the gift of God that is peace.
Workshop after session after prayer, God showed up with His sense of peace. Only peace that He can give and I'm not even telling a story! I have wrestled with some "stuff" going on in my life for months, years even. And the moment I let God fully enter in, His peace captivated my heart and my mind and Jesus opened my eyes to a world I never knew existed for me. A path that seems so scary, suddenly seemed lit up with hope and promise. The way seemed clear.
A servants heart. That's where it's at. I know it sounds so simple. Too simple, even. But over and over I was reminded that THIS...all of this...it isn't me. I can't make very little time for God each day and then expect Him to make all the time in the world for me and my plans. I can't beg and plead for my purpose to be revealed if I am not willing to see His purpose. I can't await big and grand things from Him if I am not willing to trust that He will provide the means to make them happen financially, spiritually and even emotionally.
A servants heart. I kept hearing it over and over. The bible says "For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake." It isn't about me. I am a vessel, for sure. But God has created some really great amazing and talented spirit-filled vessels. Ones that listen to Him for their next course. I am nothing. But I am a servant of Christ, I am nothing that is something. Something and someone, only by the grace of Christ Jesus, that God wants to use to share His gospel. That's all. "Nothing more. Nothing less."
So Saturday rolled around. Reality was coming back into focus and with every little blip of home calling, I began to toss like a ship in the sea. I would go into the prayer room and pray with palms up to receive His instruction. "God just send me a SIGN! (And when you DO send me a sign, I'm going to need to it flash in bright yellow blinking blinding letters so that I'll know it's You; and God, if it pleases you of course, then I would love if you would just make everything else just go away. That way I'll knowwww for sure, sure!") I would read my Bible app. I would journal. I would stuff the fears and questions only for them to bubble back up to the top and threaten to make me forget every good thing God had done in me over the weekend.
"Child. Be still so that I can show you the way."
I saw the signs. They may not have blinked. But they were there. I saw the flashing arrow saying "THIS WAY!" I heard the audible voice because He had his vessels saying it. I feel the push. I feel the nudge. There is no question.
But I still don't know if I HEARD Him. Like really, truly LISTENED.
*eyeroll* I mean, seriously, how dumb can a girl be? Every single cotton-pickin' thing points me in the direction I know is right and good. But reality, in all it's pesky doubts, says "but wait?" and "what if?" and "how will you?".
So naturally, it's Monday. Like Mondayyyyyyyyyyy. I'm tired and confused and heavy-hearted. But Jesus spoke. I'm still trying to ask myself.... Did I hear? Did I really, truly hear? Because the answer is there.
So today I turn off the noise of the world. Focus on His truths.
God is my Father.
God will provide.
God didn't say it would always be easy.
But...
God is good
God is faithful.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight."
Well now I've got chill bumps.
Hello.
That's a sign!
I don't know that I'll ever not wrestle with myself and my thoughts and deciding if something is God's will or not. I don't know. I may be standing in line at the pearly gates and be like "I'm gonna need a sign that this is where I'm suppose to be, Jesus!" Maybe I will reach that point. I'm not there. But He's not done yet. This I know for sure. I am His vessel.
Lord, use me for You.
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