He Spoke

But did she hear?

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This past weekend I attended She Speaks 2015. She Speaks is a conference for women in Christ.
Writers. Authors. Bloggers. Speakers. Leaders.

And then it's for people like me. One who doesn't know which end is up, much less have a clue what I am or what I want.....but is merely excited about meeting a favorite famous author!

Throughout the weekend, and normally as we sat down for meals, I kept getting asked "Are you in the Speaker or Writer tract?" Ha! Seriously, it got to be a bit comical after I told the 100th chick that "Girl, I ain't got a clue! I'm just here." Sweetly, some women would say they didn't really know either why they were there and some would just sweetly nod. And girls, I am a Christian, so I won't pretend to know what they were thinking about me!

And then of course there are the Ones. Oh they know. You know the Ones.
"I am a writer. I have a blog with 1.2 million readers and I'm published. Like for real published. And I've got my stuff to-gether honey!"

Ok, so maybe I added a bit to that but still. Still they know! And I'm a wee bit jealous of that knowing.

So here I am...no clue what tract I signed up for. All I know is that I signed up and I'm a fan of "The Best Yes", my long-time-no-see frand is in town, and it's going to be an amazing weekend. Hooray!

I am not lying when I say that when I walked into those doors, I wasn't prepared for the revelation that God would do to my heart. I am a Christian. I love Jesus. I love His girls. I love to read Jesus books. I love to write blog posts. I love to talk. And I love really good food. She Speaks was about all of that and so much more. But oddly enough, what God revealed to me wasn't even about me at all.

I went in wanting answers.
I needed confirmation.
I yearned for clarity.

I. I. I.
Me. Me. Me.

It's freaky to the point that I'm beginning to think these ladies sat down months ago during their planning stages and said "Y'all, now God spoke to me last night, and He said there's this girl and she's going through some junk and she's going to need us to wave a big flashing bright sign in her face and her name is going to be Amanda. And she's going to be in X Y & Z sessions. Now you go. Go step right on her little manicured toes."

Worship started and the room swelled. You could feel the Spirit of Christ. Hands raised and hearts open.

The waterworks started and like a broken spigot, I couldn't turn it off. It would've been embarrassing but I am certain not a single soul cared about me or the snot running down my lip. Every person was embraced fully by the arms of Jesus and the world went so dim. Nothing else mattered. Reality had ended. Me ended.

It is incredible, the gift of God that is peace.

Workshop after session after prayer, God showed up with His sense of peace. Only peace that He can give and I'm not even telling a story! I have wrestled with some "stuff" going on in my life for months, years even. And the moment I let God fully enter in, His peace captivated my heart and my mind and Jesus opened my eyes to a world I never knew existed for me. A path that seems so scary, suddenly seemed lit up with hope and promise. The way seemed clear.

A servants heart. That's where it's at. I know it sounds so simple. Too simple, even. But over and over I was reminded that THIS...all of this...it isn't me. I can't make very little time for God each day and then expect Him to make all the time in the world for me and my plans. I can't beg and plead for my purpose to be revealed if I am not willing to see His purpose. I can't await big and grand things from Him if I am not willing to trust that He will provide the means to make them happen financially, spiritually and even emotionally.

A servants heart. I kept hearing it over and over. The bible says "For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake." It isn't about me. I am a vessel, for sure. But God has created some really great amazing and talented spirit-filled vessels. Ones that listen to Him for their next course. I am nothing. But I am a servant of Christ, I am nothing that is something. Something and someone, only by the grace of Christ Jesus, that God wants to use to share His gospel. That's all. "Nothing more. Nothing less."

So Saturday rolled around. Reality was coming back into focus and with every little blip of home calling, I began to toss like a ship in the sea. I would go into the prayer room and pray with palms up to receive His instruction. "God just send me a SIGN! (And when you DO send me a sign, I'm going to need to it flash in bright yellow blinking blinding letters so that I'll know it's You; and God, if it pleases you of course, then I would love if you would just make everything else just go away. That way I'll knowwww for sure, sure!") I would read my Bible app. I would journal. I would stuff the fears and questions only for them to bubble back up to the top and threaten to make me forget every good thing God had done in me over the weekend.

"Child. Be still so that I can show you the way."

I saw the signs. They may not have blinked. But they were there. I saw the flashing arrow saying "THIS WAY!" I heard the audible voice because He had his vessels saying it. I feel the push. I feel the nudge. There is no question.

But I still don't know if I HEARD Him. Like really, truly LISTENED.

*eyeroll* I mean, seriously, how dumb can a girl be? Every single cotton-pickin' thing points me in the direction I know is right and good. But reality, in all it's pesky doubts, says "but wait?" and "what if?" and "how will you?".

So naturally, it's Monday. Like Mondayyyyyyyyyyy. I'm tired and confused and heavy-hearted. But Jesus spoke. I'm still trying to ask myself.... Did I hear? Did I really, truly hear? Because the answer is there.

So today I turn off the noise of the world. Focus on His truths.

God is my Father.
God will provide.
God didn't say it would always be easy.
But...
God is good
God is faithful.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight."

Well now I've got chill bumps.
Hello.
That's a sign!

I don't know that I'll ever not wrestle with myself and my thoughts and deciding if something is God's will or not. I don't know. I may be standing in line at the pearly gates and be like "I'm gonna need a sign that this is where I'm suppose to be, Jesus!" Maybe I will reach that point. I'm not there. But He's not done yet. This I know for sure. I am His vessel.

Lord, use me for You.

At The End Of The Day, Your Feet Should Be Dirty

I'm may be crazy. And I probably have NO idea how much work I'd be creating for myself....in fact, I'm sure I don't....

But one of these days, I will have me a cow, some chickens, a couple goats, maybe a horse and definitely a muddy pig. Oh, and throw some honey bees in there for good measure as well.

I want a farm. a real farm with real farm animals...a sweet, smelly stench in the air...dirty kids! (oh, we already have that part!)

Since moving into the "barnhouse", the kids have repeatedly asked for animals and to have a farm. So the idea has always been there. We've always dreamed of this being our little farm...we have the garden and a dog! ha! But we want a "real farm" as they put it.
 
This past weekend, we went on a spontaneous trip to the Blue Ridge Mountains. Sometimes I think I was made for that place. I could totally sink my bare feet into the freezing streams and dance through the grassy knolls. I could rock my babies to sleep on a big wide front porch in a rickety old rocker with a quilt over our laps. I could see us growing old there. But the roads are so long! The curves, so curvy!! And I get super motion-sick. So trips are probably the extent of my life in the mountains. But I do love it. It feels like home to me. In fact, a little shop in Blowing Rock was where I first heard Michael Buble over the stereo system and instantly fell in love. "Home" was our song.  It's a barefoot in the rain, arms tight around each other, swaying to the beat kind of song.



But our home is where we are now. And I'm ready for my farm...to grow our peaceful haven by a few chickees and calves!

What really set my heart and mind in motion was after leaving Linville Caverns, we backtracked to a little store we saw alongside the road that was selling cheese. Cheese, as in, the best food on the planet...fresh, homemade, straight from the cow in the pasture, cheese. The Caverns give you a ticket stub, that, if you present to the store clerk at , they'll give you a dollar off your purchase! Bingo! We love a deal!

The rain pouring didn't stop us from having a blast. We ran for the door and as soon as we landed on the porch, Jasper hollered "Momma! It smells so YUCKY!"....I said, "Baby, that's the sweet smell of poopy cows!" we giggled, opened the door and I walked straight into home.

Farmer man was sitting on a cooler spooning his icecream with his leathery-tanned skin and white t-shirt and muddy boots as granny sat on the bench quilting by hand. She marveled at Alanna's teething necklace wondering where those were when her children were little! The cheese samples called our names...

...Key Lime spread with graham crackers (the grown-up's favorite)
......Buttercup cheese with spicy pepperoni (Lukas' favorite, the buttercup, not the pepperoni!)
..........Roasted tomato and basil spread with crispy crackers (who doesn't love a dip?!)

And a cooler wall full of curds, cheese blocks, homemade pickles, farm-fresh eggs. Holy toledo.

It's exactly what I want. (To be a voluptuous farmer's wife, overdosed on cheese, obviously!!!)

I want my tanned, rugged and musky husband sitting by my side enjoying a bowl a handmade icecream or cheese drizzled with honey as the rain beats on the tin roof of my red cabin store.

I want my kids running around in muddy boots and learning the importance of raising animals and providing food for our family. 

I long to use my hands to feed people; cultivate the earth; to prick myself with quilt pins.

I really do want the simple life. I want a farm that keeps us all busy and together.

I don't want much. But it sure will take a lot to make it happen. Our garden is growing, we are on our way to a more self-sustaining life. I don't want to go backward...but forward isn't where I want to be either. There's nothing wrong with the way people use to live before traffic and cellphones and Facebook and RUSH.

I want that.

You may think I'm crazy or don't have it in me....
but it's my dream and a burning desire of my heart.

While I pound away on a computer from 7-5:30 each day, my heart beats for home.
My Pinterest board knows that farm life is on my constantly begging at me.

So if the Good Lord's willing and the creek don't rise, hopefully one day soon, I'll invite you over for some fresh cheese curd, a ripe summer tomato & watermelon salad, maybe some warm bread straight out of the oven slathered with freshly churned butter, and we can chat about the crazy chickens, our dreams, homeschooling and raising children.

Sound like a plan?
Never stop dreaming.
Never think you are too old or too invested in a career.
Never give up hope, and always...

Endless energy, Boundless strength

Our women's small group has been recently studying the book by Lysa Terkeurst "The Best Yes". This past week the above verse was quoted and immediately my eyes welled with tears.

Oh the energy.
Oh the strength.

.....the energy and strength that just sometimes seems to go missing. There's a thief that sneaks around and steals my last ounce of energy. It sucks the life out of me threatening to reduce me to tears at any given moment.

That's satan, folks. God doesn't want a rushed life for His children that leaves little for Him.

Now I will be the first to admit, life can be quite overwhelming. But, gasp!, how dare we ever complain or feel anything but "BLESSED"?? For some moms, or women period, we feel like unless we are everything to everyone, we've failed. I know I get lost in the rush. I get lost in the yeses. I get lost in the everyday everything all the time non stop. I get caught up in the rat race competition for more money, more stuff, more people-pleasing.

And I'm SO completely and utterly over it.

I need Jesus.
I need peace.
I need calm.
I need my babies and husband.

I just need simplicity. I crave it. I yearn for more presence with my family and less work and time away from them. I need to focus on living my life intentionally. Making "Best Yes Decisions" that impact my family in a positive way, relying on God to work "utterly extravagantly" in my life.

All this time I've been asking "WHAT GOD?!" What will you have me to do?
"HOW GOD?!" How are you going to use "this" for Your glory?
"WHEN GOD?!" When are you going to hear my prayers and......let's be honest, answer them?!

This verse spoke to me and I wasn't prepared for what it had to say...

"Child, I'm here.

Child, be still.

CHILD.... I REALLY DO HAVE THIS AND HAVE YOU UNDER MY WING.

Child, be patient.

Child, this isn't about YOU...this is about ME!"

I used to wonder "why don't I hear the voice of God"? Why can't I discern my heart from His will? I asked all of these questions over and over about my purpose and why I'm where I am and what good is that serving? Surely....surely to GOODNESS, this isn't MY mission field.

Child. Be still.
Child. Be patient.
Child.......LISTEN.

He speaks friend. I heard Him. I heard Him through His word and it was clear.

Thank you Jesus, for clear thoughts.

There's reassurance that living with SOLID TRUST in our Master Jesus has been promised with energy and strength. I take that very literally. God will provide the endurance to get through even the toughest or mundane of times. He'll answer our prayers...in HIS timing. He'll answer my questions of WHAT, HOW, WHEN....in HIS timing. But we are to worship Him. Listen to Him. TRUST IN THE GOD OF GLORY.

I just said yes, to my Father. 
Will you?

Alanna | 9 months old | NC Baby Photographer

"We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed." 

1 Corinthians 15:51

I made a piece of canvas art for a friend of mine with that exact verse for her newest son's nursery. Oh boy, do those words ever ring true! She has captured my heart, stolen my sleep....but has blessed our lives in ways I never knew imaginable.

And she's already nine months old.
I still can't figure out how it happens.
How time gets away from us so quickly.

I always think time will just slow down because I plead and beg for it to. I want to remember every little moment. And I'm trying to listen more to that voice in my head, God?, that is telling me "LIVE NOW!"
To look now...don't "wait just one second" for anything.

Say Yes.

Respond. Love. Laugh. Take pictures.

Soak every little bit in.

She's a constant reminder of grace of goodness.
She's every ounce of stubbornness passed down from her father, and well, yes, from me as well!
She's truly a little ray of sunshine and sparkle in the midst of a bunch of mud and tractors and BOY!

I love her.
She makes me thankful.
She makes me live life just a little harder and deeper.
With her in mind, I pray to the Lord and thank him for answered prayers.

"For now we live, if you are standing fast in the Lord."

1 Thessalonians 3:8

My 21 Day Fix Journey: BEFORE

I start my 21 Day Fix journey today. These little containers sure look awfully small.....

Will I starve to death?!
Will I stick with the workouts??
Can I really do this while I'm still nursing an eight month old and not totally screw up my milk supply?


Ya reckon I way over think things.?
Of course I won't starve to death. Chances are, I'll be eating more food than I normally do...just better, good-for-me foods!
Yes, I WILL stick to the workouts because not only is this for ME, it's for my kids. It's for my fellow challengers and coaches who are doing this with me. And I will because I said I will. That should be enough!
And yes, I can do this because I will keep a close eye on my supply and if needed, I'll increase my water. I've already bumped up a calorie bracket as suggested.

So yeah.

I'm doing this.

My goal weight is 125 and to be toned and able to make it through an entire workout session without dying....I mean modifying.

I want to go up my flight of steps without my legs burning!!!
I want to eat healthier and FEEL GOOD!

I want to FINISH SOMETHING!!

So here we go.

21 Days.
6 little containers.
Daily workouts.
Shakeology.

I've got this!!!! See you on the other side!

Want more info on the 21 Day Fix? Contact me or visit my Team Beachbody Coach Page!

Chores are a Bore: "The Knights of Eller Castle"

The nightly chore for L-man is unloading the dishwasher.

"It's soooo borrrring" he says.
every time.

As a seven year old boy, he probably does just loathe it...after all, I'm taking him away from the beloved computer. But secretly I think he might love it because I gush all over him when he's done! Not to mention that while during, we get to chat while I'm fixing dinner and usually he'll start helping me once he's done.

Whether he hates it or loves it is beyond me.

But this wouldn't have happened if he didn't have this chore.....

 

 "Sworrrrrrrd fiiiiiiiiiiiight!!!!" 

Part of me wants to duck and hide and apologize for the mess.
But the mess is real.
It's us.

And let's face it. We probably need to be more real every now and then for the sake of all other "real moms" out there.

So you're welcome!

They can sword fight any day while I cook supper.

After all. Cooking supper can sometimes be "soooo borrrring"!
But when it involves moments like this....I do secretly love it.

Gasping for the breath of Your Word // "God's Not Dead"

Last night, we had "Wednesday Night Live" at our church. We have several lovely cooking teams that provide dinner and then follow with some sort of Bible study/discussion group. We often start and stop WNL throughout the year for summer/winter & holiday breaks and then we'll restart for an 8-week long session. We just started back last week but I wasn't feeling all that well and thought it best to stay home. The entire group came together to view the movie "God's Not Dead".  Have you seen it yet?!

Although we didn't get to join the group at church, my husband and I had previously gone to see this movie in the theater and it didn't disappoint. If you have not seen it, get your hands on it. Good for the whole family. Time NOT wasted!

The message was fantastic....my witness stronger because of it. God, most definitely, is NOT dead. He's alive!!

One of my son's favorite songs says it perfectly....

Facebook blew up as folks flocked to see the movie. And each time I saw someone's status read "GOD'S NOT DEAD!"...my heart leaped for joy!! *fist bump*

Our Sunday School Class has been studying the Book of Revelation. Deep stuff I'm telling ya. I am so intrigued, interested, encouraged, baffled at the descriptions of what is to come. I love learning about end times prophecy and, in fact, believe that we are nearing the return of our Lord Jesus, without a doubt. Prophecy is being fulfilled. We are close.

There's a sense of urgency in my life, in our church, in the discipleship that is going on around me. We need to be prepared. Be ready. Be on our toes for when we come in contact with someone who desperately needs to hear the redeeming grace and love of Jesus. To not be afraid. We are against adversity, very troubling times and scrutiny and the adversary is pushing HARD on Christians. We are being forced to be politically correct. To shush our beliefs because we may offend. To stifle our voices because it is unpopular and we are now considered minorities (which I'm not sure I believe...I think it is a media tactic, but I digress). Our class discussed the bowls and seals and horses and antichrists just what our thoughts were about the end of life as we currently know it, the fulfillment of prophecy, the glorious awaiting. More glorious than anything we can fathom and that's hard when we see glimpses like this....

It is not lost on our SS Class that our WNL class is following in the same path of urgency and preparedness that is necessary these days.

So back to last night.

We broke into smaller groups for discussion of the movie. Last night's topic was "Get Prepared". (Oh, hello relevance!)

Our Pastor led our group in discussion Principles of Preparation.

I have to admit, when we first began the class, I was a little distracted. I've got so much going on right now. Lately, although bouncing back and forth between desires, dreams, work and family, I feel like a mental fog is lifting and there's so much I NEED to do. Need being the operative word here because right that minute, that's not what I needed to be thinking about. But let's face it. I was Distracted. Uncommitted. Not Ready.  Feel me?!

It was when Pastor David said "Be ready to share your testimony in under two minutes" that for some reason my ears perked up....I opened by EVERNOTE and began just jotting down snippets of the lesson/discussion.

My notes went a little something like this:

Testimony < 2 minutes
Know what you believe 
Can share the Gospel/Beliefs concisely
Honest. Simple. Don't get fancy. The Word is RIGHT THERE.
Can religion and science coexist?
Is God reasonable?
Creation without "evidence"
Know why you came to believe
How to gain Godly beliefs - Study the Word//Ask the wise//Saturate yourself
Be ready. Be gentle. Be respectful. Be humble. Be teachable.
Jesus was NOT a doormat.
It's OK to not know it all.
Do NOT be arrogant.
Listen to their story.

I was fully immersed. It always draws me back in. Close to my Father. His word ALWAYS finds me and captures me and reels me back in.

I'm being reeled in.
Jesus is doing the cleaning.

Oh the metaphors.

Why is it that we can get so......... lost?
Why is it so hard to stay on track and focused?

The lift of the mental fog has allowed me to focus more on my bible study and I keep sensing the same direction of saying YES to God. To be open to HIS direction. He's leading me....somewhere. Again, nothing lost on me between SS study and WNL study and my daily devotions and personal development studies that.......GOD IS PREPARING ME.

He's lifting that fog. "And at last I see the light..it's like the fog has lifted" 

But somehow, sometimes we still get lost in our daily juggle. But this urgency to "Get Prepared"....I feel it. I feel it like the pull of a million magnets on my soul.

The Holy Spirit wants to bestow power upon me, ON US, to share with others, to be fishermen and reel 'em in to Christ.

He's ready to clean.
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It was at the end of class when David said, "May we gasp for the breath of Your Word". 
My skin tingled. My eyes pricked. I absolutely was touched by these words.

I don't want to be filled with anything else but the breath of Jesus. His Word. I want to be fully saturated and on time to His calling. You see.... God is positively NOT dead. He's alive. He's roaring inside of me like a lion. I've got to get ready.

WE have GOT to get ready.

1 Peter 3:15 says:

#GodsNotDead

Alanna's Birth Story | Part 2

Start with Part 1

If you made it through Part 1, you are amazing.

"Part One" was long for me too. But it also flew by. The older I've gotten, the quicker those 10 months go by.

So the story-telling left off at the first attempt at birthing this baby.
Labor stalled.
Came home empty-handed.
And then had a very uneventful  next week.
VBS had wrapped up. We didn't get another Bible School baby. 

 

I was so tired. I was big. Couldn't breathe. My feet were still really swollen. My face was fluffy. I wasn't sleeping well AT ALL. 

My smiles had turned to something a little like this... half-hearted.
Grateful for a baby baking longer. But half-hearted.

^^

^^^^^More CookOut shakes! Yum! Anything cold and wet and unhealthy right?!

So the two weeks prior, I had been losing my mucus plug slowly over time. It wasn't like with Jasper coming as one big glob (sorry, entirely way TMI!). Everything was throwing me for a loop this time. But I had made it to 37 weeks. That day at work, I again started having some mild contractions. I honestly didn't think too much of it because of all of the BH contractions I had had over the months and the previous week of labor stalling. I told everyone that I was NOT going to the hospital unless I was fo' sure in labor. Like, can't breathe, crying, hurting labor.

Well that evening when I got home from work, we decided to work in the garden a little bit. I helped weed and water the garden - dead of June - it had to be done. Watering the garden wasn't hard work but it was hot, that's for sure!

While watering, the contractions started feeling a little different. It only took me about 10 minutes to do that so once I was done, I went inside and changed out of good clothes into my maternity/nursing comfy nightgown and some tennis shoes. An obvious wardrobe choice. And decided to go for a walk. We were going to see what these contractions had going for them. I wasn't going to sit around for another night of worrying and obsessing over contractions that were coming too close, too soon, too early. I was 37 weeks. This baby could come. I was full term.

Joshua and I walked while his mom and dad drove in the Baccamobile with the kids. The contractions were definitely getting more intense but they were not that bad. His mom and dad decided to take the boys with them that night just in case something happened. We knew from previous experience, I like to go into labor around midnight.

So that night, contractions kept coming, things were looking promising but they were just not coming at any frequency that seemed worthy of the real thing.

I decided that I would try to go to bed. I figure, if history repeats itself, around 11pm or so, I'd wake up with some nice contractions and we'd rush off to the hospital. Before going to bed that night, June 25th, I took a photo of my belly. I had definitely dropped. My belly button was the nice blue color it always turns when I'm so stretched and full of life inside.

^^^Pretend that's a bathing suit!

The next morning I woke up at 5:55am. I looked at my clock and sighed, I had slept all night long. Midnight had come and gone. But something strange....had I dreamed that I had just had a nice strong contraction or was it real? I decided to trudge downstairs to pee - I had gone all night without - which was the first time in quite a while that I hadn't made a nighttime pit stop!

While using the potty, I had another nice contraction and then there bright red blood and lots of it. I was a bit concerned. The show that I had been having earlier was nothing like this. I knew bright red blood wasn't the best sign so I called Dr. A. and she said to go ahead to L&D. I called my mom, hands shaking....this time this is real. The finality, the rush, the excitement and anticipation, nervousness & some fear flooded me.

Contractions were picking up after losing, what I believed, was the last of my plug. Joshua got dressed while I packed the last few items and paced the living room. I still believed that somehow the contractions might die. Once my mom and Doc got there, we took off toward the hospital.

This was our "It's a good morning to have a baby!" sunrise. God welcomed us by way of sunshine and clouds, drawing us toward the hospital. It was the calm before birth.
 

On our way, we stopped at McDonald's to grab breakfast. Food is important to us. Even when having contractions strong enough to catch my breath. I still wanted food because you never know how long it will be until you can eat again.

Let's be real....
This was how I felt.
And it wasn't the hot biscuit sitting on my lap either.
And yes I was taking selfies while having a contraction.
I'm ridiculous sometimes!

Once we made it to the top of the parking deck, I knew we wouldn't be sent back home this time.
This was it.
I was having a baby.

We started using the Big Bertha camera at this point.

Part 3 to come....